“Are we friends?”

“What?”

“I said,” my cheeks burned like crazy, “what exactly are we? Are we friends or are we something more?”

He seemed at loss for words.  “I.. I don't know.  I mean, it's up to you.”

“I really like you,” I said.

“I really like you too..”

“But I don't date guys I can't marry, so I think we should.. definitely not date each other.  I don't know, I'm confused.  Can I put my arm here? I always walk this way when I'm with someone.  Not with just anyone though, but like, with people that are close to me.  But I don't really hold hands with just any guy, so don't get the wrong idea.” I was nervous and elated and confused all at the same time, so I blabbered while linking my arm through his.  I didn't even know where the hell did I get the courage to touch him, or even why I thought it would be okay to do so after telling him that I like him then let him down.  All I know is that I really like him, and I was so happy that he liked me too.  He looked at our intertwined arms and then at me, like he couldn't decide if I was drunk or crazy or both.  “It's fine.”

“Have you ever dated outside your religion before?”

“Yes.”

“How did it work out?”

He shrugged.  “It was okay.  Look, what I'm trying to say that I like you regardless of who you worship, okay? It doesn't matter to me.  But please, please, let's just go steady.  I want to love you as much as possible, and I can't do that unless I know for sure that you're in this 100% like me.”

“What about being friends-with-benefits?”

He shook his head.  “I don't believe in that kind of bullshit.”  I didn't believe it either.

My lips pursed.  Usually I am great with letting people go, but for some unknown reason, I just couldn't let this one slip through my fingers.  We walked in silence for the rest of the way, but by the time we arrived at the bus stop, I had made up my mind.  “What if we give it a try?” I looked up at him gingerly, hoping that he wasn't tired yet of my indecisiveness.

He smiled. “Sure.”

When you get into a serious relationship, you wish that you will stay together for a long time.  That's why sometimes when one party is breaking up with the other party, the other party will be left dumbstruck, especially if the break up is out of the blue.  I had a few experience regarding that myself.  But that day, I knew that this thing between us will definitely end.  Unlike other relationships, I know that one day we'll have to say goodbye to each other.  Now this kind of relationship I have no experience of.  I kept telling Michael about it, but he was able to calm me down every time.

You see, what's different about Michael is that when he loves, he does it so perfectly that everybody can see it from miles away, but is never restricting.  He always tells me that he loves me, and he often hugs or kisses my forehead in front of people.  But he's never possesive.  He lets me hang out with my friends, girls and guys, and doesn't complain when I spend too much time with them.  He lets me go out drinking with them, and if I get too drunk, he would come to wherever I am and drives me home.  It's the little things that he does that makes me comfortable.  In fact, a few weeks after we are officially going out, I told him all of my emotional baggages.  He listened to every single word and asked a few questions here and there.  Then he frowned rather comically and stayed quiet for a long time.  I grew more and more nervous as the seconds went by.

“You got anything to say?”

He shook his head.  “Just amazed that a person as tiny as you can carry so many baggages inside.”

My face began to fall.  “Oh.  So does that mean.. you.. you have a problem with that?”

“No.  If anything, that makes me want to love you even more.”  He smiled and hugged me.

“You don't think my baggage is bad? I think they're really bad and there are just so many of them.”

“They're okay, babe.  Everybody has their own demons inside.”

The next day, he told me that he cut up a thug's nose in a fight and that all of his six best friends died in various fights against the neighborhood's thugs.  He looked so scared when he told me, but I told him I'm not leaving. 

“How come?”

Because it was such a beautiful day, we kind of had a picnic in the university's park.  Except instead of food, we had cigarettes.  I got up and brushed the back of my jeans to get the grass off.  “Everybody has their own demons inside,” I said.  He looked at me, dumbstruck.  I smiled and extended my hand to him.  “C'mon, let's get something to eat.”

Andhini Rahayu


A third-year English student of University of Indonesia.   She has loved reading ever since she could remember—brochures, pamphlets, magazines, newspapers, comic books, young adult novels, adult novels, romance novels—but mostly romance novels.  Bloody romantic, that one.  She draws her inspiration from the things she read and the lives around her.  She plans to write more in the future, especially for young adults who had a challenging time growing up like her.